Running
by Fullelven
Summary: Fenris realizes that old habits die hard. He reflects on his relationship with Hawke, and realizes what a fool he's been. Contains spoilers!


**Title:** Running

**Summary:** Old habits die hard. Fenris reflects on meeting Le'ciel Hawke, and their relationship since then.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Fenris, as he is property of Bioware (careful about saying 'property' he might slaughter the lot of them). Spoilers abound in this story, you've been warned!

I had once thought that there would be no greater pain to experience than what I experienced at the hands of Danarius. Now as I stand here, so close to Hawke and yet unable to reach for her hand, I know that I was wrong. This emptiness I feel now that I've left her is the most painful thing I'd ever felt in my life.

It is hard to believe it has been three years since that night we shared. It is even harder to believe that I've managed to let this go on this long. I have never had time to get to know another person since I escaped from my chains, it had always been paid acquaintances, expendable people to throw at my captors to keep me free a little longer. They had cared little about the whats, whys, and hows...only the coin mattered.

Then Hawke came...and messed all of that up.

I had wanted to believe what she said when we first met, that she was genuinely wanting to help me. She never once mentioned the coin, and the way I had to force her to take what little coin I had gave me pause. Perhaps she was truly worried about my safety, but how? She didn't know me. She had no idea what I had gone through...

When I offered my help, I hadn't expected to see her face again until she needed me. Yet the next night, there she was on my doorstep with a basket of rations, though meager as they had been. I had been drinking, and I was almost ashamed to let her into the mansion. The faint smell of death and stagnant air was still there, I hadn't done much to clean the place up. If she minded, she didn't make any notion about it.

Those strangely hued eyes of hers, "like lilac" I remember thinking, had watched my every move so closely as if she was trying to read my soul through the way I gestured. She'd asked about my past, though had I not been drinking, I doubt I would have even told her what little I did.

"I kind of like the way you look."

I wouldn't have admitted it then, but I distinctly remember the feeling of my heart racing in my chest when she'd said that, having to double-take to see if she had really said it or if I had imagined it. Such a beautiful woman, a human woman, thinking that some elf like me...branded as I was...attractive? A rare find indeed.

Then I let it all go...because of a past I can't seem to remember.

Hawke had been so worried for me, she didn't have a shred of care about how I was going to break her heart. She hadn't gotten upset, even as I told her I couldn't do this. She didn't call me a coward, when I know full well she had every right to. She offered to _help_ me. Even as she said that we could make it through this together, the only thing I could think about was running away.

So I ran, and I gave her no hope in helping me.

I was surprised after her mother died that she even wanted to see me, and yet she welcomed me without word one of any pain she felt at us or otherwise. She was grateful for my company, and again my fool's heart raced like an adolescent child's sick with love. I would have stayed that night if she'd asked me, but I could see it in her eyes. She wanted me to, but she respected my wishes enough not to. Why did she have to be so damned selfless?

Three years later, and not once has she asked me why I did what I did.

"Hawke, I..."

She paused, and turned to look at me with those curious eyes. Not expectant. Not hating. Just..._curious_. Varric stopped. That _mage_ stopped. I looked at them...then back to her. "You guys, give us a minute." I could see the displeasure in Anders' eyes, though Varric held a different expression. It was a story he wanted to know, and maybe someday he would know it. For now, it wasn't for his ears.

"Is everything okay, Fenris?"

"I..." _Love you. More than anything in Thedas._ "checked up on that information about my sister. She's going to be in Kirkwall soon. It had taken some work to get word to her, and she was hesitant to accept, but she's coming."

She gave me a reassuring smile, that one that could melt any sort of apprehension I ever had away. "You sound hesitant." Hawke knew me all too well.

"The more I want to think that Denarius doesn't know, the more I'm sure he does." The thought of the man made my blood boil, the thought that he could be following my sister only further cemented my need to rip his throat out with my bare hands. "Could you..." _hold me? Just hug me, and tell me that everything will be fine. Tell me I'm imagining things, and that you love me?_ "come with me? It would mean a lot to me."

"If you want me to be there for you, then I will be there."

"Thank you Hawke. This means more than you know."

Of course it did, my own cowardice made sure of that. She couldn't know the things that were in my mind, of the love I still harbored for her all this time. I couldn't let her know how weak I was, how scared. What would she think of me then? I owed it to her to let her know why I had done what I did to her. I owed it to her to be honest about what I had wanted to say to her all this time. Most of all...I owed it to her as well as myself to let her know that if anything I still loved her.

I would tell her...but not now. Let me play the coward and do what I do best.

Run.


End file.
